How to be Positive in a Toxic Environment
We have all been there, a situation or person we thought was perfect, turns out to be extremely toxic. While our senses may have warned us, or we simply thought we didn’t have enough context clues, we stayed in the situation or relationship until we found ourselves in a toxic situation, and maybe, just maybe, even allowed some of the toxicity to rub off.
I will be the first one to say, yes, I have been there. I have found myself in toxic situations and relationships too late and realized I had become toxic too. These are moments I am proud of, I was able to look around, realize I did not want to be like this, and make the necessary changes. It was difficult, challenging, and I always promised myself I wouldn’t be in this situation again. That promise was extremely unrealistic on my part. In life, we will encounter toxic situations and people daily. Toxicity can even appear in our homes if we are not careful.
How to remain true to yourself
Growing up, I read The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton. I loved the book. The story of a group of misfits coming together to form a family intrigued me, maybe in part because I have always been the new person or the misfit. In a pivotal moment of the story, the poem “Nothing Gold Can Stay” by Robert Frost is quoted. The poem hints that at birth and in adolescence we are golden, untouched by sin, uncompromised. We have the ability to see right and wrong, to understand which choice we need to make, and have the courage to do so, which is our goldenness. As we grow, we tarnish, life and circumstances taint our vision, and we lose our freshness, our goldenness. The main character, facing the ultimate choice, to tell the truth or to lie, to protect his family, his way of life, or hope the truth would set him free, faced the ultimate choice, the choice to claim his golden nature or allow life to tarnish him. His best friend, dying, told him to stay gold, to remain untouched by the pressures of life, to strive to do right no matter what. This moment has stuck with me for over 30 years. And more times than not, I have heard the phrase stay gold whispered in the air.
The first step to remaining true is to be authentic, be genuine, know who you are and what you want. Life has had a way of crashing down on me over and over again. I have missed periods of my life caring for others, surviving, working. Because of this, I have slowly come to know who I am and what I want. I have learned I value peace more than happiness. Happiness is fleeting, peace will stay. In peace, contentment and joy reside, which are so much more powerful than happiness.
Always being the new person has left me untethered, without the strings to past experiences or friendships to lead me to do something I don’t want to do. Cutting the strings which tie us to the past, not the memories, simply having the courage to free ourselves from the burden of the past, from thinking we owe someone our undying loyalty will help us remain true to ourselves, to see choices, and make the choice which is best for us.
Decide how you want to live your life
This may seem odd, but when we define who we are, what we want, and actively choose to live the life we want, not allowing toxic situations to influence us is easier. Toxic people can take many shapes and forms, many times their toxic nature resides in their desire to control every situation, to control you, to change who you are. Knowing what you want and who you are will help you stand up to these people, to make the choices that are best for you. Knowing what you want your life to look like, how you want to live, will give you the courage to say no, to walk away.
Maintaining a clear perspective
A lot of times, a toxic situation is created when the differences of others are highlighted. Not wanting to be left out, we choose to “see” the differences as well. When our perspective remains clear, when we are able to look at a situation and see multiple perspectives, we are less likely to fall for the pressure. Understanding each of us has our own perspective, influenced by our lives, respecting that perspective, and even trying to understand others' perspectives, will help us see the toxic nature and not join. This is easier said than done. Believe me. I have maintained what I thought was a clear perspective, only to find myself in the toxic trap.
Not falling for the guilt trap
Each of us have different priorities. Each of us have different roles in life, different experiences. No matter what we choose to do, no one has the right to make us feel guilty for the choices we make. Disclaimer, this argument cannot be used to define choices which directly hurt people. I don’t mean when we choose what is right for us and others’ feelings are hurt, I mean when we make a choice to hurt someone.
When we choose to stay home and rest, and others try to guilt us for not going out, it’s a trap, a trap designed to make us cave, to admit we cannot stand on our own. At the end of the day, we need to make the choices that are best for us, not what others want us to do. If going to bed early with a book is what you need, not staying up late watching tv, choose the book. I have found myself in situations where after a long day at work, chores, and family time, I wanted nothing more than to wash the day off and go to bed with a book, and someone in my family chose to guilt me for not staying up half the night watching movies. It took me years to understand that behavior was toxic, the argument that I don’t spend enough time with that person was unfair.
You see it’s not the amount of time you spend with someone, it’s the quality of time. Choosing to do what I need to be healthy and rested for the next day is not selfish on my part. Trying to guilt me into doing something I didn’t want to do and knew was bad for me was toxic.
Remaining Positive
When you are confident in yourself, know what you want, and how you want to live your life, it is easy to see when a situation or person is toxic. In these moments, distance and a clear perspective are the best tools at hand. If you cannot leave the situation, find ways to manage the toxicity. Give yourself breaks, times where you get as far from the situation as possible. Don’t dwell on the situation. More than likely there is nothing you can do to change the situation, by not giving in you are actively fighting, don’t give the situation control over your life. Accept the situation, and move on. Don’t think about it or talk about it. Focus on the positive things in your life.
Create plans of action. What can you do today to distance yourself from the situation? What can you do today to permanently get away from the situation? Use your energy for good. Be positive, invest in yourself, make choices that will help you leave the situation. Remember, if the toxic person is in your home, you may not be able to leave. Learning to manage the situation is your best avenue. Set boundaries, make self-care a priority, learn to not respond to their rage. Choose to invest in yourself and what brings you peace.
Make self-care a priority. Get enough sleep, eat right, exercise. Manage your stress. As much as possible, surround yourself with positive people. Learn, grow, be creative. Keep your dreams to yourself, nurture them, work towards them.
Learning to be positive in a toxic situation is a challenge, but one worth striving for. Positivity will give you hope, help you be resilient, see multiple perspectives, understand you did not cause the situation and you cannot fix it. Positivity also attracts positive people and opens doors.
Sincerely,
Sara O
