How to Stop Apologizing
My daughter and I are in the middle of senior stress, the in between time, completing high school, understanding our new roles, and adjusting to the coming future. Needless to say, the stress is real. Fortunately, we get along great, and the normal parent/child stress doesn’t exist between us, rather we are simply facing the stress of change. Working together, we have agreed that only one of us can be stressed or have a break down at a time. So far, this plan has worked.
The other day, as I was driving her to school, my daughter apologized three times in a row, for things completely out of her control. Internally, I cried. This was a lesson she learned from me, one I diligently teach her by example multiple times a day. I taught her this, and I would unteach her this lesson. But in order to unteach it, to make the changes needed, I had to understand why I over apologize.
Why we over apologize
We apologize when we feel responsible for the ill another is facing. Yet, more times than not, we are not responsible for any of the ills others face. We choose to take their responsibilities on, to own their burdens, because we have been taught to own them. Somewhere in life, someone told us that in order to feel true empathy, we must feel someone’s struggles. We become overly sensitive, we are easily overwhelmed, and are exhausted from the burdens we have taken.
Being empathetic is not feeling the pain someone else feels, rather it is appreciating the pain others feel and wanting to walk next to them. Walking next to someone does not require feeling their pain, or carrying their burdens. We can be supportive, empathetic, and not understand the pain or struggles of the other person.
When we feel the responsibility of others, when we strive to feel their pain, we collect their burdens. This practice places blinders on us, we cannot see our path, we have no energy to pursue our journey. The overwhelming emotions create a sense of guilt. No matter our role in someone’s bad fortune, we feel guilty, as though everything in life is our fault.
Moving Past the Exhaustion
The first thing we must learn is to not borrow others burdens’, to not feel the emotions of others. All we are responsible for are our burdens, our journey, and our emotions. Nothing more, nothing less. We are not responsible for the emotions of others, we cannot make anyone feel or do anything. Nor are we responsible for the bad fortunes of others. Apologizing quite simply is stating we are responsible for whatever is wrong.
Overcoming the Urge to Apologize
When we know our value, our worth we are less likely to borrow others burdens’. In life, we each have a path to walk, a journey to complete. This journey will bring challenges and hardships that we, and we alone, are designed to face. These challenges will take all our energy, all of our focus. When we carry the burdens of others, we lose focus, we lose our energy, and our challenges will crumple us.
Learning to not Apologize
When we can fully understand that we are not responsible for the actions of others, that we cannot make others feel anything, or react in a certain way, we are ready to stop carrying others’ burdens. To truly be empathetic, to support another along their journey is to walk next to them, cheer them on, remind them how amazing they are, and when needed give a slight push. It is never to carry their burdens. When others grow weary, they may try to hand us their burdens, we must simply, but firmly give the burdens back. In order for each of us to fully become who we are meant to be, we must grow through our experiences, our journey and burdens. By carrying the burdens of others, they fail to learn lessons intended for them and become soft.
Remembering all of this, as well as choosing to not take ownership for things completely out of our control will help us stop apologizing unnecessarily. With each unnecessary apology, we lessen our worth, we devalue ourselves, and we take our focus away from our path, our journey.
Results
As we step into our role, as we assume our true roles in life, we shed the deadweight of false guilt. We become who we are meant to be, our perspective clears, our confidence increases. We will find inner peace. Imagine what we would be capable of if our focus is completely on our journey, on fulfilling our true purpose in life.
My daughter and I have agreed to support each other on this portion of our journeys. Each time we unnecessarily apologize the other quietly assures the other one there is nothing to apologize for. Then we shake it off together and move forward. Our solution may seem as though we are carrying the other’s burdens, but we aren’t. We are simply cheering each other on and then celebrating the lessons learned.
Sincerely,
Sara O
