Self-Worth, the struggle is real
If I was to be 100% honest with you, I struggle with self-worth. I am not always sure I am enough or the right person for the job. I stick my foot in my mouth regularly, being blunt and honest, lack the ability to sugar coat words and miss social cues. I take people at their word, judge them by what they do and their follow-through, and wear my heart on my sleeve. I wonder at the success I have achieved, and some days feel like a fake. We are taught to fake it until we make it, and on more days than I can count this has been my mantra.
As an observer of life, I catch the small nuances of people, the body language, and the tone with which they respond. I notice who follows through, who gossips, and who is enveloped in drama. These observations have guided my professional life, allowing me to make decisions many would not. I have learned the need to value the good of many versus the good of one, to make difficult decisions, and not allow emotion to sway me. Yet with all of this, a successful career, great education, and a family, I still doubt my self-worth.
I think the question becomes where we find our self-worth, how we define it. Is it defined by the numbers on the scale, the size of our pants, or the stamina we have to face life with all of its curveballs? Having the fortitude to dig deep, to keep going when everyone else has stopped, to know our destiny holds more should make up a portion of our self-worth. As a parent, we never know what to say, or what the right answers are, we are always guessing, and that can diminish our self-worth. The tears we cannot prevent, the hurt feelings we cannot fix, the bullies we cannot make eat worms. These challenges wear more on my self-worth than many other things.
In order to have self-worth, we must know our value. We must understand the value of our time, what the cost of our commitment or investment truly is. Until we understand this, we cannot have a true sense of self-value. This means creating boundaries, stating what we are comfortable with, where we want to spend our time. We must define what a balanced life looks like for us, how much time do we spend working out, versus working, with our friends and families, etc. Until we take the time to list our priorities, to determine where we are headed, we will have no idea what our value and worth are.
I struggle to say no to people. If I am able to meet their needs, I feel guilty saying no. I will stretch myself too thin, take time away from me in order to meet their needs. Recently, I started really looking at my schedule and setting boundaries. It has been an uphill journey, but I think it is one that will pay off. I have evening commitments on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays. To make it to these commitments without running, I need to be home from work by 5:00. To make this work, it means my last meeting must end by 4:30. I also pick my daughter up from school every day, it is a great way to ensure I have 15 minutes to just connect, to hear how her day was, to learn what the highlights of her life are. I greatly value these moments, at times, in our chaotic life, these are the only minutes I can guarantee to her.
With these boundaries in place, I am telling people I cannot meet after 1:30 and before 3:30, and that my last meeting must be done by 4:30. As odd as it sounds, this time commitment has truly been a challenge for me to commit to. Similarly, I enjoy working out in the morning and getting a slow start. I enjoy drinking my coffee while reading devotionals, getting a great workout in, answering emails from the night before, eating, and then getting ready for the day. This means I start my workday at 9:00. Many laugh at me and say that it is too late, but for me, this morning routine, and picking up my daughter are the most important parts of my day. The rest will still be there tomorrow. I will gladly skip a lunch hour, work from the moment I sit down until I need to leave. I will even work after dinner and evening commitments. This work schedule works for me, it allows me to prioritize myself and my family. Saying no has not gotten any easier, but when I can remind myself why I am saying no, it helps.
Volunteering my time, giving to others has also been an area I have had to learn to limit. I know I need Sunday afternoons as creative time. That means Saturdays are work, chores, and making up workouts. When I can maintain this precious time, my week starts off better. It means I volunteer less, but what good is giving of myself, when I leave myself empty and exhausted.
In my observations of life, it seems as though women have a harder time saying no. I don’t know if this is because we have to work harder to climb the ladder, or that when we prioritize our families we are seen as not as committed to our careers. Each decision must be weighed for us against our desire to be a mother or a professional. Men on the other hand are raised to know their worth, to negotiate, and to not take no for an answer. Because they do not have a need to be nice, because they are not judged for being honest, how they divide their time is viewed much differently.
As professionals, men and women, we must ensure our time is split as fairly as possible. When a spouse works late, the other should cook dinner and care for the children. Similarly, when a spouse has worked on days off, the other should pick up the housework. If work and responsibilities were more evenly distributed if a bit of a sacrifice were made by both partners, time would be much more balanced, and both partners would have time to invest in themselves and each other.
Self-worth and self-value are intricate, messy topics. In reality, neither can originate from anything other than ourselves, yet we must have spouses who value us, bosses who value us, to have the confidence to work on increasing our view of ourselves.
Sincerely,
Sara
