Valuing Ourselves
Self-value and self-worth are ideas we encounter a lot. I say ideas because, well, our value and our worth are based on ideas, we are not a piece of land with specific attributes that add to our value. Rather, our self-worth and self-value are often based on the ideas of others.
Have you ever noticed that others value us less when they can no longer benefit from us? So often, what we think is a relationship, a friendship, is actually the other person involving themselves with us because of what we can do for them. This act of abuse causes us to base our self-value and self-worth on the wrong things, to think we should add something to every person we encounter. We begin to count our contributions, the skills we have, and the impact we make and base our worth on that. This theory crumbles when we find ourselves no longer needed or unable to make the impact we want to make.
So how do we learn to value ourselves? How do we learn to see ourselves as a person rather than a contribution? Perhaps the first step is to stop equating value with what we can do for others. Everyone makes contributions, everyone has special skills. By valuing what we each can contribute, we can stop placing a value singularly on ourselves. Next, no matter how much we want to say the opinion of others does not affect us, no matter how much we want to be independent, to stand completely on our own, we cannot do this. What those around us think about us affect our perspective. The best course of action is to be careful who you surround yourself with. Choose your inner circle carefully. Choose people who are going to challenge you, push you, encourage you to reach for more. Surround yourself with people who have characteristics you enjoy, who make you a better person. Also, make sure those you surround yourself with are positive.
When we have a person close to us who is negative, complaining, and always angry, no amount of work will help us see our true value and worth. Their continuous complaining, anger, and negativity will wear down even the happiest, most positive of people. The poison of their hurt will slowly begin to invade your innermost self, causing you to become negative too, or create self-doubt. The first thing to understand is you cannot fix the person, you cannot heal them. No amount of love that you give them, or kindness that you show will ever help the person. You see, until they choose to work through their hurt, to begin the healing process, their negativity overrides every other emotion around them.
In order to understand the effect others have on us, we must first understand who we are and what we want. Just like a ship with no course set, we will gently sway with the tide, bumping into people, following their lead, making their mistakes. I remember my parents and grandparents telling me to know who I was, to not blindly follow others. Yet, without a clear sense of who I was, what I wanted, or what my value and worth were, I couldn’t set forth on a path. The lessons we learn as we discover ourselves and path, help us begin to discover our value.
Watching my daughter find herself and her path has been the best learning process for me. I am continuously amazed by her confidence and voice, the way she truly doesn’t care what others think. In these moments, I know the work I have done to grow, to learn who I am and sharing the process with her has been worth it. If you find yourself in a place where you have hit rock bottom, you cannot see your worth, look around yourself, see what those around you have gained from you. Look for others who are positive, surround yourself with people who have the confidence you desire. Their influence, seeing the positive impact you make on others will help you start to value yourself.
I often tell people to create a list of accomplishments. This is to help them see what they are capable of, to understand their inner strength, and to help them find the courage to face the challenge coming. Yet we must be careful with these lists. These lists are incredible for reminding us of growth, accomplishments, and to help us find our courage, they are not meant to help us find our self-worth and self-value.
Allow me to be explicitly clear. Our self-value and self-worth should never be tied to accomplishments, skills, or talents. Never. Our self-value and self-worth should be tied to our love of self, desire to make the world a better place, a sense of peace that comes from knowing we are working towards being better every day. Do not allow the thoughts and opinions of others to affect your self-value and self-worth. In order for you to truly live up to your full potential, to make the impact in the world you are destined to make, you must value your health and peace more than anything. We cannot help or care for others when we do not care about ourselves.
These lessons have taken me years to learn, and cost me a lot. Because of the choices I made, the paths I took, and the lessons of life, I placed myself in situations where I was needed, where I could be a caregiver. Not because I wanted the notoriety, or praise, but because that is where I felt most comfortable. I chose to remain in my comfort zone. Not only did this stunt my growth, but it also caused me to not fully value myself. The belief that I was nothing more than a caregiver limited my view and drove me to surround myself with needy people. Slowly, this started to destroy my spirit and left me restless. It wasn’t until I hit the bottom that I realized how important self-care and self-love were.
The journey back, to a place where I value myself and know my worth has been uphill, with many stumbling blocks. I have had to relearn lessons, be reminded of what I wanted, and learn to have a voice. My heart bears the scars, yet I choose to see them as badges of honor, reminders of what I am capable of and how far I have come. I have learned to set boundaries, to be careful where I invest my time, and above all to be brutally honest with my daughter in the hopes she can learn from my mistakes. And now, I am attempting to be brutally honest with my readers, hoping to share wisdom and gain wisdom.
Above all, never allow the shadow of another person’s perspective to tarnish your self-worth and self-value.
Sincerely,
Sara O
